Keep On Going..

If you're going through hell, keep on going...

Pretty much the definition of my life at the moment. I'm not always sure I like my career path, my degree, sometimes I'm not even sure I like myself. I suppose the last point comes about because of the first couple and the simple fact that nobody mentions that the above statement is only for use in the short term.

Hell is an OK place to visit every so often in life, its not a good place to live. Hell for short periods can teach you valuable life lessons and you come out the other side feeling like you've learned something. Long periods of time spent in hell and you get lost, it isn't a straight line along which you can 'keep going'. If you aren't careful you'll spend the rest of your life wandering around in hell lost for the exit point.

You need to be able to recognise when you should probably have found the exit already, and if you haven't now is probably the time to start changing things up a little bit. Its ok to turn around at times like that. People so often frown upon backtracking in life - a sign of weakness or being too fickle - very rarely do people point out that sometimes that is best for the person. However the direction you turn does not necessarily need to be back the way you came.

It also isn't something you need to find on your own. Its ok to admit to people that you feel like you are in hell. More importantly it shouldn't simply be greeted with a response like 'suck it up princess'. Sure everybody does a little time in hell, everybody doesn't wake up dreading their life or their work or some other particular THING  days after day.

Maybe you just need a new way to deal with it, or a new way to overcome it, or simple an alternative to what is currently on offer. There are people out there who will help. Friends, colleagues, family, psychs or counsellors.

Whatever you do don't make the mistake of thinking everybody lives in your hell. Everybody experiences life a little bit different and different stresses get to different people. For instance I stress out completely from answering machines 2 is my limit for a day and getting in trouble makes me beat myself up to the point where I hate me (at least for an hour or two). If you feel like you are in hell ALL THE TIME there could very well be something wrong though. Take a look at your life, if you want to do it over coffee with a friend at home, and really think about whether hell is worth it, whether your projection is actually directed to get you out of hell or if you've got lost in the dark and need to turn around.

Overdosed again

Isn't it funny how you often find you can't resist some habits even though they invariably lead to pain, heartache, and general feelings of dissatisfaction? I mean I've commented on my addiction nature before now. This is more the unfortunate side of having that personality. Well that and naturally being attracted by a specific genre regardless of medium.

I am addicted to romance. Unfortunately that brings to people's minds so many connotations of hopeless romantic and completely unable to differentiate reality from fiction and all those other 'stupid female' concepts. Even more unfortunately is that at times like this, when I reach the point of overdose, I'm pretty much proving many of those preconceived notions. I hate that because I don't as course of habit presume life will happen anything like it does in the books - I'm not sure I'd want it too - anybody who likes romance novels are necessarily the way to go with you life hasn't read enough of them. At the same time when I'm lonely I wouldn't mind some of the attention some of the characters in the books draw.



Now I'm normally a very good romance reader/listener/watcher even writer at times. I get swept along with all the feel good moments and laugh/cringe at the use of cliché. I am a huge person for the romantic cliché. I know so many people who think I'm silly for liking romance because of the clichés. In actual fact I think they are some of the best bits. Of course she is his secretary who knows everything about his life and yet he sees her completely asexually until the company Christmas party. Of course she is remarkably outspoken, clumsy and an uncommon beauty. I don't mind this - I love knowing the story progression by heart so that I can be completely swept up by the details.

So why am I suddenly not amused? Unfortunately it happens when my own love life is failing hopelessly. Yes I do begin to find myself wishing for the story, the fairytale. That doesn't make me like the genre though it makes me hate it and find it depressing. I really don't like it when my brain suddenly decides the romance stories are real. I feel it start telling me that everybody has that except me. Damn it but can I see that when I look around as well. So many of my friends are in relationships. Certainly every guy I've ever had a crush on is currently in a relationship (well except for the current one).

More than anything I hate having to USE the word crush. I feel like a 13 year old kid not a 20 year old who has been out of home for 4 years and seen 3 friends married and many more engaged. Yet what else do you call liking a guy who doesn't see you that way? I feel like all those secretaries in the M&B Sexy novels, only in the words of 'He's Just Not That Into You', I am the rule not the exception.

So at the moment I feel like a have an emotional hangover at the end of any chickflick I watch or book I feel. Even my music occasionally makes feel that way - country music has a large romance component to it (how else would you get such cliché song titles as 'Sleeping single in a double bed'). Everything is reminding me of the fact that I don't know how to have a real life relationship. The only romance I've ever known was found between the covers of a book.

How do you tell a friend you would be interested in being more than friends? Particularly when you are reasonably sure they could never see you that way. Hell, I've had the conversation in the past and completely destroyed my friendships. It has stopped being worth it. I don't have enough friends to risk friendships for relationships where the odds aren't good. As he has said quite directly (we were discussing beating around the bush vs direct approachs and this has been hopelessly removed from its surrounding statements to make it seem so much harsher) 'if I liked you you'd know'. It wasn't said to mean 'back off' but damn if I can't extrapolate. Friend zone it is.

I don't mind the friend zone - it doesn't effect my feelings towards a person at all. Certainly it means they talk to me and interact with me. Its only when we aren't together that it becomes a problem. Knowing I have no claim when I sure as hell would like one and knowing they have a claim they'll never want to stake over my emotions. Mostly though it is simply the thought that I will lose out in the end. Being in the friend zone means you will lose out when they do get into a relationship. I live waiting for that moment - it undeniably comes along every time.

My favourite times in life are when I'm not interested in any particular guy. I can read romance to my hearts content without these terrible feelings. I'm rarely if ever lonely. I don't find myself wasting hours on nothingness. Unfortunately going from where I am now to back to being not interested in a guy would be unbearably painful. So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard-place emotionally. What I hate the most is that it makes me sound like such a superficial, self-absorbed girl. I want there to be more to me... but I just don't know where to find that (dear heaven not in my studies).

A Secret Facination

I don't know how to say this... and have you believe it... but I have a growing facination about make-up. I'm sure you believe the 'obsession about make-up' part. Loads of women proclaim their make-up obsessions all over the internet. Wait I'm doing that right now too... so what do I mean secret?

I very, very rarely wear make-up... I might wear light day make-up on a Saturday to the shops once a month or put some on for going out for dinner (which probably happens even more rarely) but I don't wear make-up to work and I rarely wear it anywhere. Not a very good obsession? I think that makes for something that could only be described as a secret obsession. Make-up is my down time, my easy relaxation, and one of the only things I can take simple pleasure in. Make-up and music - the easiest pleasures around. I put make up on to study, to watch tv, to lounge around my house - on a days when I'll know nobody will ever see me - because the me the world sees doesn't wear make-up.

My make-up story is not a traditional one. I think I got my first make-up at 15... I only think that because I certainly did USE the stuff when I did receive it so I don't remember. Some girls have their mothers bemoaning their make-up tendencies... my mother went out of her way to attempt to entice me to wear the stuff... with little success. At 17 I joined the military... and at 18 make-up started to seem worth it - I got out the assortment of make-up I had (so pretty much the stuff I'd gotten at 15) and put it on in accordance with the solitary make-up lesson I had this one time at mum's insistence.

Then at 19 I started to think a little bit more creatively... make-up was kind of like nail polish only it washed off when I wanted it to and I could repeat the process without the lasting detriment of the canvas I was working from (sure excessive make-up can lead to break outs or whatever... but 4-5 days of bad skin is nothing compared with the 4-5 months of dodgy nails that nail polish abuse leads too).

Now at 20 I actively look into make-up... I love reading blogs about make-up, trying to imitate (generally with little success) the pictures and tutorials... Unfortunately I don't have the money to invest in the better quality products nor the desire to own expensive products that I'll probably only use a handful of times before their best before date... But I work with what I have and have a hell of a lot of fun...

But this is a secret. I'm not the kind of person to wear make-up let alone ENJOY make-up for make-ups sake. I don't get along with the kinds of girls who loved make-up in school or the ones who wear it daily now. I'm not that type of girl. I'm a study in contradictions a lover of romance, addicted to the colour purple, now admitting to make-up addiction - on paper I read like a girly girl I'm sure. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I'm not a very good one in actuality though... I never mastered the girlish giggle, my preference for conversation is social and cultural transitions rather than who's dating who, I study engineering and know more about control engineering than I do about flowers, cooking or men - and all my friends know that side of me... Certainly few if any of them would be interested in make-up.

And because everybody loves make-up photos a few of my own eyes =D.

Here's looking at you. (the day I was looking into 1920s makeup - I'm not going to show you the make-up I did on the night of the costume party though... I picked a gray with a blue tinge... and I looked ridiculous :( )

Today's make-up which is perhaps not really day make-up that looks nice being worn casually to the shops but I'm going to because I need to buy new eye make-up remover :P. Why am I playing so boldly? I'm in my hometown for the week - nobody to notice or to give me alternatives to do....

My attempt to follow along a blog tutorial - without having the brighter bolder colour varieties that had had... (I love the slightly hazel look my eye has in the photo though). (You can probably tell that I didn't bother with foundation that way and I've used the forbidden air brush to hide what I could)

Finished Exams? What a strange feeling...

Social mutterings? After a week of study, 10 days of exam block and the last mad dash of both Calculus and Indonesian in one day. My mind isn't up to its normal analytical framework. Its funny that I never the less find myself drawn here... I should have warned myself before I started anything that blogging would be addictive, particularly to my own personality. One of those highly strung, easily stressed personalities which lends itself to addiction of all kinds, that's me! I suppose its lucky I grew up the way I did with education and Church as valued parts of the week rather than falling victim to more negative forms of addiction early in life.

I bring up addiction partly because of the brand new blogging habit I seem to have developed. More of a Journal 2.0 that allows me to type rather that scribble though isn't it? But partly because of the varied array of minor addictions I managed to concoct throughout my study time. I am willing to admit to watching 2 seasons of a

anime cartoon I was a fan of... more than 6 years ago! and playing a gameboy emulator for many hours of the old classic 'Pokemon'. Both are things I was into before I was a teenager and swore never to repeat.

Yet I found myself at a time when I should have studying my arse off - something I was not to discover until the panick attack of Physics part of the way through exam block I could not study. There were points where every inch of my consciousness wanted study and yet I couldn't break the hypotic lure of the TV shows and computer games. More than that the breaking of one addiction would simply encourage a different one. I managed to convince myself not to watch for a couple hours... and I find myself staring and the never changing Facebook screen.

The marvelous thing of Facebook addiction - millions of people addicted to sitting WAITING for somebody else to do something so they can maybe/maybe not comment on it. Even knowing I'm one of the number I'm not quite sure what the mystical lure of the never changing wall is. I do know you are willing to claim 'Friend' of people you NEVER liked simply to have something to display at more frequent intervals. I think I have done more pointless quizzes on there than I have constructive conversations with people in the last few weeks.

Exam period has the ability to isolate a person. No easy task considering I live, work and more often than not play with 39 other people. More specifically my hall way of 4. However with one girl spending much of her time with her boyfriend rather than in her own room and the others being engineering students who finished exams early and got the hell away from this place... It has been pretty lonely around here for a view days. Plus I've been attempting to do all the study I DIDN'T do in the study week. So I haven't left this filthy study cave - which isn't actually that filthy - my bed is made and my floor is vacumned - its more just of a mental filthiness.

Its going to be good to get out and do something tomorrow. No more exams hanging over my head... Maybe after a good night of sleep my brain might start to register the fact it doesn't have anything to stress about. Though being the stress orientated person I am it'll probably find something. The real question is what to do with myself?

Well for the rest of the week whatever I'm told to do... I'm not sure if it is an advantage or disadvantage to this doing of university boarding school style? Much in the theme of the last weeks of school term in primary school we are resorting to playing sports and watching movies (with pointless questions to answer) - tomorrow at least. However on Saturday morning.... bright and early I'll be flying my way back to the great state of Queensland. For those of you who'd understand, Queensland has generally more friendly winter weather than the rather unglorious inland hole that is Canberra. Though I've heard it has been unfashionably cold in Queensland... but still I've done Disney On Ice impressions on the frost around here already... So 5 degrees at night wont be nearly so bad. It'll be normal!

Well as always I have amazed even myself at my ability to babble about things that only I care even the slightest bit about :). However nows about a good time for me to be getting my stuff together and heading to bed. To the majority of the.. of the world I guess... nine thirty is an insane time to contemplate sleep. I know for a fact my american friends stay up to 2, 3, 4 in the morning consistently. I don't know any of my australian friends who would match that... Or at least not without alcohol somewhere in the equation. However 10 o'clock is a good time for going to bed when you start you day every day at 6... So must be heading to that delightful thing across the room and sleeping away the residual exam stress... Yipee!