Isn't it funny how you often find you can't resist some habits even though they invariably lead to pain, heartache, and general feelings of dissatisfaction? I mean I've commented on my addiction nature before now. This is more the unfortunate side of having that personality. Well that and naturally being attracted by a specific genre regardless of medium.
I am addicted to romance. Unfortunately that brings to people's minds so many connotations of hopeless romantic and completely unable to differentiate reality from fiction and all those other 'stupid female' concepts. Even more unfortunately is that at times like this, when I reach the point of overdose, I'm pretty much proving many of those preconceived notions. I hate that because I don't as course of habit presume life will happen anything like it does in the books - I'm not sure I'd want it too - anybody who likes romance novels are necessarily the way to go with you life hasn't read enough of them. At the same time when I'm lonely I wouldn't mind some of the attention some of the characters in the books draw.
Now I'm normally a very good romance reader/listener/watcher even writer at times. I get swept along with all the feel good moments and laugh/cringe at the use of cliché. I am a huge person for the romantic cliché. I know so many people who think I'm silly for liking romance because of the clichés. In actual fact I think they are some of the best bits. Of course she is his secretary who knows everything about his life and yet he sees her completely asexually until the company Christmas party. Of course she is remarkably outspoken, clumsy and an uncommon beauty. I don't mind this - I love knowing the story progression by heart so that I can be completely swept up by the details.
So why am I suddenly not amused? Unfortunately it happens when my own love life is failing hopelessly. Yes I do begin to find myself wishing for the story, the fairytale. That doesn't make me like the genre though it makes me hate it and find it depressing. I really don't like it when my brain suddenly decides the romance stories are real. I feel it start telling me that everybody has that except me. Damn it but can I see that when I look around as well. So many of my friends are in relationships. Certainly every guy I've ever had a crush on is currently in a relationship (well except for the current one).
More than anything I hate having to USE the word crush. I feel like a 13 year old kid not a 20 year old who has been out of home for 4 years and seen 3 friends married and many more engaged. Yet what else do you call liking a guy who doesn't see you that way? I feel like all those secretaries in the M&B Sexy novels, only in the words of 'He's Just Not That Into You', I am the rule not the exception.
So at the moment I feel like a have an emotional hangover at the end of any chickflick I watch or book I feel. Even my music occasionally makes feel that way - country music has a large romance component to it (how else would you get such cliché song titles as 'Sleeping single in a double bed'). Everything is reminding me of the fact that I don't know how to have a real life relationship. The only romance I've ever known was found between the covers of a book.
How do you tell a friend you would be interested in being more than friends? Particularly when you are reasonably sure they could never see you that way. Hell, I've had the conversation in the past and completely destroyed my friendships. It has stopped being worth it. I don't have enough friends to risk friendships for relationships where the odds aren't good. As he has said quite directly (we were discussing beating around the bush vs direct approachs and this has been hopelessly removed from its surrounding statements to make it seem so much harsher) 'if I liked you you'd know'. It wasn't said to mean 'back off' but damn if I can't extrapolate. Friend zone it is.
I don't mind the friend zone - it doesn't effect my feelings towards a person at all. Certainly it means they talk to me and interact with me. Its only when we aren't together that it becomes a problem. Knowing I have no claim when I sure as hell would like one and knowing they have a claim they'll never want to stake over my emotions. Mostly though it is simply the thought that I will lose out in the end. Being in the friend zone means you will lose out when they do get into a relationship. I live waiting for that moment - it undeniably comes along every time.
My favourite times in life are when I'm not interested in any particular guy. I can read romance to my hearts content without these terrible feelings. I'm rarely if ever lonely. I don't find myself wasting hours on nothingness. Unfortunately going from where I am now to back to being not interested in a guy would be unbearably painful. So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard-place emotionally. What I hate the most is that it makes me sound like such a superficial, self-absorbed girl. I want there to be more to me... but I just don't know where to find that (dear heaven not in my studies).
I am addicted to romance. Unfortunately that brings to people's minds so many connotations of hopeless romantic and completely unable to differentiate reality from fiction and all those other 'stupid female' concepts. Even more unfortunately is that at times like this, when I reach the point of overdose, I'm pretty much proving many of those preconceived notions. I hate that because I don't as course of habit presume life will happen anything like it does in the books - I'm not sure I'd want it too - anybody who likes romance novels are necessarily the way to go with you life hasn't read enough of them. At the same time when I'm lonely I wouldn't mind some of the attention some of the characters in the books draw.
Now I'm normally a very good romance reader/listener/watcher even writer at times. I get swept along with all the feel good moments and laugh/cringe at the use of cliché. I am a huge person for the romantic cliché. I know so many people who think I'm silly for liking romance because of the clichés. In actual fact I think they are some of the best bits. Of course she is his secretary who knows everything about his life and yet he sees her completely asexually until the company Christmas party. Of course she is remarkably outspoken, clumsy and an uncommon beauty. I don't mind this - I love knowing the story progression by heart so that I can be completely swept up by the details.
So why am I suddenly not amused? Unfortunately it happens when my own love life is failing hopelessly. Yes I do begin to find myself wishing for the story, the fairytale. That doesn't make me like the genre though it makes me hate it and find it depressing. I really don't like it when my brain suddenly decides the romance stories are real. I feel it start telling me that everybody has that except me. Damn it but can I see that when I look around as well. So many of my friends are in relationships. Certainly every guy I've ever had a crush on is currently in a relationship (well except for the current one).
More than anything I hate having to USE the word crush. I feel like a 13 year old kid not a 20 year old who has been out of home for 4 years and seen 3 friends married and many more engaged. Yet what else do you call liking a guy who doesn't see you that way? I feel like all those secretaries in the M&B Sexy novels, only in the words of 'He's Just Not That Into You', I am the rule not the exception.
So at the moment I feel like a have an emotional hangover at the end of any chickflick I watch or book I feel. Even my music occasionally makes feel that way - country music has a large romance component to it (how else would you get such cliché song titles as 'Sleeping single in a double bed'). Everything is reminding me of the fact that I don't know how to have a real life relationship. The only romance I've ever known was found between the covers of a book.
How do you tell a friend you would be interested in being more than friends? Particularly when you are reasonably sure they could never see you that way. Hell, I've had the conversation in the past and completely destroyed my friendships. It has stopped being worth it. I don't have enough friends to risk friendships for relationships where the odds aren't good. As he has said quite directly (we were discussing beating around the bush vs direct approachs and this has been hopelessly removed from its surrounding statements to make it seem so much harsher) 'if I liked you you'd know'. It wasn't said to mean 'back off' but damn if I can't extrapolate. Friend zone it is.
I don't mind the friend zone - it doesn't effect my feelings towards a person at all. Certainly it means they talk to me and interact with me. Its only when we aren't together that it becomes a problem. Knowing I have no claim when I sure as hell would like one and knowing they have a claim they'll never want to stake over my emotions. Mostly though it is simply the thought that I will lose out in the end. Being in the friend zone means you will lose out when they do get into a relationship. I live waiting for that moment - it undeniably comes along every time.
My favourite times in life are when I'm not interested in any particular guy. I can read romance to my hearts content without these terrible feelings. I'm rarely if ever lonely. I don't find myself wasting hours on nothingness. Unfortunately going from where I am now to back to being not interested in a guy would be unbearably painful. So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard-place emotionally. What I hate the most is that it makes me sound like such a superficial, self-absorbed girl. I want there to be more to me... but I just don't know where to find that (dear heaven not in my studies).
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