About a Boy

Ok... Most of the time... I'm the most content person about about my not having any relationship experienced. I'm its unusual but not unheard of to be 18 and never had a boyfriend. In fact except for one long term and rather childish crush on one of my best friends I can definitely be termed a late bloomer. I didn't understand how girls thought of actors in movies as hot or not... Not until about grade 11...

Which isn't to say I don't get it now :) it all makes sense to me... Though from a Christian background as well as a strong faith of my own I never quite the same sex lure as many of my friends... More than happy to wait... Plus its easy to have that attitude when all the guys at school you find to be repulsively immature. To this day I don't understand the teenage ability to date half their class if they feel like it. A) you know them way too well and B) because you know them you know how immature and shallow the majority of them are. I was more than happy to keep to my one or two hopeless crushes.

Now though... I'm starting to wish I hadn't... I have zero relationship experience. ZERO. The only time a guy has every asked me to anything.. was a date to the formal - a joke... When we were in grade 10 (yes 2 years from any formal)... Who knows how that might have panned out... He was the type of guy who probably would have gone through with it... more for a laugh than anything. But he left halfway through year 12 and missed it anyways.

The only other proposition i've had? also him... The day he left school. Asked me for a kiss before he went. Unfortunately in the middle of a Chemistry class test. I didn't take him up on his offer. Tempted - a little, sceptical of his motives - a little, embarrassed for wanting to - a lot.

So that covers in 2 paragraphs all the invitations I've ever had... Now is where I point out my position at school. I was the smart girl. I was well known throughout, but simply for being smart, I'm certainly not what you would call a looker and a number of kgs overweight for the majority of my life. It doesn't bother me else I'd work harder to change it but was without a doubt an effect on that side of my life. I'm not after some stereotypical hot guy with no brain anyways so meh...

Now to the parts that detrimentally effect my personal confidence around boys. I mentioned a crush on a best friend? Four years, in fact a large part of the reason we (my best friend and I) initiated the friendship can be attributed to that (on my side at any rate), I had that crush and four years we were friends with him without too much of a hassle. He dated another of my friends for 6 months... and if that didn't have my nose a little out of joint to boot. But I never would have said.

That is the one thing I do well. Crushing on a guy in silence. That is basically what I'm doing at the moment, the reason for this rambling, and I HATE it... I'm more than over it. I got over it at high school too... and told him. In his way he didn't really make much of a response. In fact he didn't give a response at all. He never truly spoke to me again. Six weeks, or thereabouts, before the end of year 12 I lost one of my best friends - and of course the boy I'd been crushing on since I could remember... It hurt to say the least.

When I say we initiated the friendship it wasn't an easy friendship. He was enough of a loner that we had to disrupt him in the library to get anything out of him. Over the years it just became our thing. We were still in the library but he no longer (unless we did something 'terrible' and pissed him off which was only once... maybe twice lol (we got ourselves and him kicked out, for a week!)) attempted to read rather than talk to us.

But anyway... dredging all that stuff makes me feel better but only cuz I'm distracted and it doesn't hold the same levels of emotion as the predicament I'm in at the moment. I like a boy. I like a boy SOO bad. More than I have done any of the other minor crushes I've had over the last year... and more than I can ever remember liking that guy back in school. From this I've discerned that emotional growth hurts like a bitch. I can't work as effectively as I normally would - though I would say that in part that is end of year blues - which I'll save for another blog sometime :)...

So I've developed the stalker qualities... You know, if he is in your general area and you don't need to be looking at anything else you watch him. I've done the internet search even... It was funny cuz he actually did come up, for some award he won back in high school... was quite entertaining for me. I've done the depression moment cuz he doesn't have facebook. Nothing more than that but it makes me feel rather stalker-ish which depresses me further...

I just don't know where to go from here. There are only a few weeks of the year remaining when I'll have him so close... and after that, not until February when classes resume. Once of the blessings of a tiny uni campus if you can be sure you'll always see people again, whilst your here that is...

The other thing is the stalker stage can't last forever. As it is, he has started to pick up on the fact that I watch him if I see him on accident. Just tonight I noticed a figure (identifying by gate(step) more than anything) walk under our tv room (we have a outdoor walkway underneath) so I switched sides of the common room to, well honestly more to check if it was him than to specifically watch him :), and walking with a mate he turned a little back to my block window and waved at me...

and THAT is what has me freaked out... What do I do? Is that even a good sign? We are connected through the university christian group, he is even in my bible study... Is it just as a friend... But no I don't think that really explains it... WHY did he look back at the block enough to spot me at all? And even if he did... Even if it is EXACTLY what I hope it is... What do I DO?!? And that... is all I have... today there is no solution... and I doubt sleep will grant me the answer... I'm destined to flounder is curious, fear, excitement and all that other good stuff...