Hello Again

Hello my most dear and darling one,

I've been pondering again. I think this is a largely a defensive mechanism against the depression that comes from being incompetent with creatures of the opposite sex. Nevertheless the thought of you does provide comfort. Today I am curious about your personality. Are you like every Joel I've ever known? Or perhaps more of the extroverted variety like Fred (he's about the only extroverted personality I genuinely like the majority of the time)?

I find personalities intriguing. Even more intriguing is how the personalities interact. Most of the people I like best have my personality type. Even if I am not aware of it at the time. Not that means I am expecting you to be exactly like me. Personality types are too generalised to suggest that. I am one of the most highly stressed (therefore emotional) T personalities I know but just the same I am most definitely a T. By T I am referring to the Myers Briggs personality typings. The third set thinking vs feeling.

I can't imagine you being a feeling. Or a J. The one thing I doubt to the extreme. That you would be an extreme J-type personality. And yet... I think some of my biggest crushes have been on J-type personalities. We'll keep that one under wraps.

Ok I give up. I am just going to sulk to you about my current love-life dilemmas. How do you date? Clearly you know, if I am going to marry you surely we've dated? I'd simply ask my future self but that would be cheating, she already knows how this particular event of my life turns out. Who knows maybe you do too... but to even think of the possibility would be to allow the romantic side of my brain too much of a free leash.

Anyway back to the problem at hand. How do you show somebody that you like them, that you would like to be more than friends? Wow I feel like I am talking in cliques... I feel like I am trying to stare down a brick wall... Should I try kicking the wall? How do you go about kicking a brick wall? Did you make the first move in our relationship? Or did I give the wall kicking a shot?

My biggest fear is do I want to? Joel, yeah I'll use his name because we are all thinking it anyway, is one of my closest friends... I am not entirely sure he realises this. To sacrifice that for stating I like him and having him freak out and avoid me... That is about the only relationship lesson I did learn in high school... That would kill me.

But I am sick of just being somebody he talks to on Tuesday nights after our meetings. Dammit I want an excuse to see him, to talk to him, to have his undivided attention for a small amount of EVERY day. I want to be allowed to show that I favour him over most other people (I am pretty sure I do this to a certain extent now anyway). I want... well I almost don't know what I want... I want him...

This must be weird for you. Me fawning over some other guy. Sorry about that. I can guarantee you that I felt this way about you too :P. Just not at this point of my life...

Love you