Dear Bob

Is it possible? Apparently there is a number of girls and young women who do it. Write to their future husbands... Is that lame? More importantly it is possible? And if it is... isn't it depressing? Well I shall endeavour to find out I guess and give it a try.

Dear Joe (I'd have used Bob but that was already taken by some author... along with Hey Jude and Dear John)

Though I am quitely hopeful that your name is not Joe. It isn't that I have especially high hopes for the non-existant relationship I am in at the moment but rather that Joe... I don't know I've never met a Joe I was especially fond of. Probably all the safer for naming you it then wouldn't want to be showing undue favouritism within my friends.

With the contemplation of writing to a future spouse comes all of the obvious questions. How did we met? What do you do for a living - are you in the military? Do I know you now? What colour are your eyes? Are you taller than me? and perhaps most significantly - do you exist at all? I'd question your faith but I am sure, more sure than anything else, that you would be christian, that is one of my must haves.

Knowing my usual outspokenness with people I am close to I doubt that you can be reading this to find out something that you haven't known previously. Assuming I don't change drastically the me you know is probably the same purple loving, romance reading stresser sitting in front of my keyboard right now. I have few secrets, even fewer which I could post to an internet blog =P.

So if I have nothing to tell why write? I don't know why others write to their future spouses but I am almost certain I can say safely that it is NEVER for the spouse. You are the bystander in the contemplation of my mental state. An end point to help me get through the here and now. A reminder not to tie myself in knots with my hopeless (though I am always resolute that they aren't completely hopeless I'm sure you will be one of them someday) crushes. A reminder that these things happen in God's time and not my own time.

At the moment I am really struggling with a deep set loneliness. My entire career plan seems to have backfired. I generally play it down but one of my biggest reasons for taking this path is the living arrangements. I figured by living 24-7 in relatively small communities I could prevent myself being lonely. Unfortunately I didn't think to factor in social lives and the fact that other people seem to be so much more socially adept than I am.

Significantly introverted with a strong need for company - I never said I was an easy to please personality. Unfortunately around here it is far to easy to not have company, who knew. Around here it is exactly like high school only this time I don't have Steph. I am very glad for my section mates but they aren't the bare-all and care-all friends.

A little part of me is struggling with personal identity. Which is bad, we do it often enough in church and bible study for me to know that I should derive my identity from my faith and hope in Christ but... I am so used to being the smart one in high school. By being the smart one I was known to the majority of my year level. Here  I am average... and often the one who stresses out but gets good marks (therefore the person who complains for no reason). There is a reason, I either know what I am doing or I don't... and more than often I don't these days.

How do you put up with me? What about me makes me attractive to you? I am weird, an epic fraidy cat, who always asks the dumb questions, who's foot is perpetually lodged in my own mouth. I'm overweight and under fit. I am hopeless at attempting to comfort another person yet I am always seeking reassurance for the ridiculous, yet often go completely off my rocker and completely beyond reason. I am almost 20 years of age and have been asked out a total of two times, one of which was a joke about formal another of which I backed out of because it was inappropriate. To date I have hopelessly crushed on no less than 5 guys. One of which was for the entire duration of high school - and that ended oh so well.

At this point in my life I want you to be Joel... obviously not the high school one rather the one I have a major crush on... I want this to be over and I want to have the companion that my personality longs for. Somehow I don't think this is going to be that easy.

Anyway... I will remind myself that God has a plan for my life.
God never changes his mind about the people he calls or the gifts that he gives them. Romans 11:29

For the love that will we have in the future,

Peaches