Overdosed again

Isn't it funny how you often find you can't resist some habits even though they invariably lead to pain, heartache, and general feelings of dissatisfaction? I mean I've commented on my addiction nature before now. This is more the unfortunate side of having that personality. Well that and naturally being attracted by a specific genre regardless of medium.

I am addicted to romance. Unfortunately that brings to people's minds so many connotations of hopeless romantic and completely unable to differentiate reality from fiction and all those other 'stupid female' concepts. Even more unfortunately is that at times like this, when I reach the point of overdose, I'm pretty much proving many of those preconceived notions. I hate that because I don't as course of habit presume life will happen anything like it does in the books - I'm not sure I'd want it too - anybody who likes romance novels are necessarily the way to go with you life hasn't read enough of them. At the same time when I'm lonely I wouldn't mind some of the attention some of the characters in the books draw.



Now I'm normally a very good romance reader/listener/watcher even writer at times. I get swept along with all the feel good moments and laugh/cringe at the use of cliché. I am a huge person for the romantic cliché. I know so many people who think I'm silly for liking romance because of the clichés. In actual fact I think they are some of the best bits. Of course she is his secretary who knows everything about his life and yet he sees her completely asexually until the company Christmas party. Of course she is remarkably outspoken, clumsy and an uncommon beauty. I don't mind this - I love knowing the story progression by heart so that I can be completely swept up by the details.

So why am I suddenly not amused? Unfortunately it happens when my own love life is failing hopelessly. Yes I do begin to find myself wishing for the story, the fairytale. That doesn't make me like the genre though it makes me hate it and find it depressing. I really don't like it when my brain suddenly decides the romance stories are real. I feel it start telling me that everybody has that except me. Damn it but can I see that when I look around as well. So many of my friends are in relationships. Certainly every guy I've ever had a crush on is currently in a relationship (well except for the current one).

More than anything I hate having to USE the word crush. I feel like a 13 year old kid not a 20 year old who has been out of home for 4 years and seen 3 friends married and many more engaged. Yet what else do you call liking a guy who doesn't see you that way? I feel like all those secretaries in the M&B Sexy novels, only in the words of 'He's Just Not That Into You', I am the rule not the exception.

So at the moment I feel like a have an emotional hangover at the end of any chickflick I watch or book I feel. Even my music occasionally makes feel that way - country music has a large romance component to it (how else would you get such cliché song titles as 'Sleeping single in a double bed'). Everything is reminding me of the fact that I don't know how to have a real life relationship. The only romance I've ever known was found between the covers of a book.

How do you tell a friend you would be interested in being more than friends? Particularly when you are reasonably sure they could never see you that way. Hell, I've had the conversation in the past and completely destroyed my friendships. It has stopped being worth it. I don't have enough friends to risk friendships for relationships where the odds aren't good. As he has said quite directly (we were discussing beating around the bush vs direct approachs and this has been hopelessly removed from its surrounding statements to make it seem so much harsher) 'if I liked you you'd know'. It wasn't said to mean 'back off' but damn if I can't extrapolate. Friend zone it is.

I don't mind the friend zone - it doesn't effect my feelings towards a person at all. Certainly it means they talk to me and interact with me. Its only when we aren't together that it becomes a problem. Knowing I have no claim when I sure as hell would like one and knowing they have a claim they'll never want to stake over my emotions. Mostly though it is simply the thought that I will lose out in the end. Being in the friend zone means you will lose out when they do get into a relationship. I live waiting for that moment - it undeniably comes along every time.

My favourite times in life are when I'm not interested in any particular guy. I can read romance to my hearts content without these terrible feelings. I'm rarely if ever lonely. I don't find myself wasting hours on nothingness. Unfortunately going from where I am now to back to being not interested in a guy would be unbearably painful. So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard-place emotionally. What I hate the most is that it makes me sound like such a superficial, self-absorbed girl. I want there to be more to me... but I just don't know where to find that (dear heaven not in my studies).

Justifying My Purchases

So... I don't have the abilities of the all around dedication to be one of those epic make-up bloggers... That simply could never happen. However strange things happen when I'm on holidays.

More to justify my spending of HEAPS of money than to actually achieve something I did this. I'm not a huge fan of my shadow abilities but I really love my new copper eye liner... I'm glad I don't feel like I just wasted $6.

Addicted

I have an addictive personality.

It is as simple as that. I've known this for years. The tendency to develop habits quickly and quite concretely, the fickle but in-depth interest in things, the high achiever and over thinker... even the simple fact that I'm naturally anxious and can be both a good loser and a terrible loser depending on how I've approached the game.

It is probably the only thing I can remember for many life and awareness classes during a spare lesson delightfully called 'Options' in high school. Drug, alcohol and sex awareness, career options, study skills—it was that kind of class - procrastination central. Our teacher—the only other thing I remember from the class, the man dressed like a pirate from black longer hair held in a ribbon and white loose flowy shirt and black vest—described a set of things that made an addictive personality and stated that they were most likely to develop severe drug addiction. Good thing I never thought to try drugs is all I can think.

What am I addicted to at the moment? Make-up. It isn't a new addiction since I get it every time I'm on holiday however too much time and just enough money also allows for my other lesser known addiction... shopping. I'm perhaps even less of a shopper than I am a make-up artist... certainly more complex shopoholics actually set my teeth on edge (think The Secret Dreamworld of a Shopoholic - I hate that character sooo much). However as soon as I have money it just seems to go.

Where did my money go these holidays? To supporting my make-up addiction... Now if only I could practice USING all this stuff - the only thing I can guarantee I'll use with high frequency is that deodorant lol.

A Secret Facination

I don't know how to say this... and have you believe it... but I have a growing facination about make-up. I'm sure you believe the 'obsession about make-up' part. Loads of women proclaim their make-up obsessions all over the internet. Wait I'm doing that right now too... so what do I mean secret?

I very, very rarely wear make-up... I might wear light day make-up on a Saturday to the shops once a month or put some on for going out for dinner (which probably happens even more rarely) but I don't wear make-up to work and I rarely wear it anywhere. Not a very good obsession? I think that makes for something that could only be described as a secret obsession. Make-up is my down time, my easy relaxation, and one of the only things I can take simple pleasure in. Make-up and music - the easiest pleasures around. I put make up on to study, to watch tv, to lounge around my house - on a days when I'll know nobody will ever see me - because the me the world sees doesn't wear make-up.

My make-up story is not a traditional one. I think I got my first make-up at 15... I only think that because I certainly did USE the stuff when I did receive it so I don't remember. Some girls have their mothers bemoaning their make-up tendencies... my mother went out of her way to attempt to entice me to wear the stuff... with little success. At 17 I joined the military... and at 18 make-up started to seem worth it - I got out the assortment of make-up I had (so pretty much the stuff I'd gotten at 15) and put it on in accordance with the solitary make-up lesson I had this one time at mum's insistence.

Then at 19 I started to think a little bit more creatively... make-up was kind of like nail polish only it washed off when I wanted it to and I could repeat the process without the lasting detriment of the canvas I was working from (sure excessive make-up can lead to break outs or whatever... but 4-5 days of bad skin is nothing compared with the 4-5 months of dodgy nails that nail polish abuse leads too).

Now at 20 I actively look into make-up... I love reading blogs about make-up, trying to imitate (generally with little success) the pictures and tutorials... Unfortunately I don't have the money to invest in the better quality products nor the desire to own expensive products that I'll probably only use a handful of times before their best before date... But I work with what I have and have a hell of a lot of fun...

But this is a secret. I'm not the kind of person to wear make-up let alone ENJOY make-up for make-ups sake. I don't get along with the kinds of girls who loved make-up in school or the ones who wear it daily now. I'm not that type of girl. I'm a study in contradictions a lover of romance, addicted to the colour purple, now admitting to make-up addiction - on paper I read like a girly girl I'm sure. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I'm not a very good one in actuality though... I never mastered the girlish giggle, my preference for conversation is social and cultural transitions rather than who's dating who, I study engineering and know more about control engineering than I do about flowers, cooking or men - and all my friends know that side of me... Certainly few if any of them would be interested in make-up.

And because everybody loves make-up photos a few of my own eyes =D.

Here's looking at you. (the day I was looking into 1920s makeup - I'm not going to show you the make-up I did on the night of the costume party though... I picked a gray with a blue tinge... and I looked ridiculous :( )

Today's make-up which is perhaps not really day make-up that looks nice being worn casually to the shops but I'm going to because I need to buy new eye make-up remover :P. Why am I playing so boldly? I'm in my hometown for the week - nobody to notice or to give me alternatives to do....

My attempt to follow along a blog tutorial - without having the brighter bolder colour varieties that had had... (I love the slightly hazel look my eye has in the photo though). (You can probably tell that I didn't bother with foundation that way and I've used the forbidden air brush to hide what I could)