The other day I watched The Invention of Lying. I'd been looking forward to it. So much so that on discovering that for some completely bizarre reason it was not being shown at the first cinema I visited I got into my car and drove to another. It wasn't like I had anything better to do with my day. The movie in all... Well I think it is the type that would have made a good bit of literature, a theorised culture almost utopian - I mean without lying the world would be perfect right? As a movie it was quirky and interesting but not the greatest movie I've seen.
However by removing lying it gave the occasional reference to regular culture which was often intellectually funny. Now I think about it... The problem with the movie? It is based in English humour but pitched at an American audience. I think had I thought of that sooner I may have been able to appreciate it a bit better. Slapstick goes subtle... the two humour styles are quite mutually exclusive. That is an observation I made post movie rather than during so it is probably a little exaggerated never the less...
Anyhow apparently from thinking it would make a better book than a movie. The 'reinvention' of the Christian religion was quite interesting. Firstly I am against any implications that Christianity is some grand lie. For a work of fiction I do not object to religion being invented. In fact I found the writers knowledge of how Christianity gets interpreted to be quite intellectual. I can't tell whether he sits as an atheist or a Christian but any way the relational stuff between the main character and his crowd is quite an accurate response of how I feel many people actually respond to Christianity... if they don't reject it for being 'unreal' without listening.
This is a Spoiler WARNING. I am going to talk through the scene. IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE INVENTION OF LYING. You may not want to read it. Not that it gives away the ending - but I mean its a chick flick is that even possible?
Ok in the movie he tells a lie about the existence of any form of afterlife to his dying mother. Which of course others overhear, news spreads and uproar at his place. He is very distressed. So he puts in a substantial amount of effort into these ten things? Yes rather like 10 commandments you could say. He even goes to the trouble of making them 'tablets' to add significance.
As far as the 10 commandments go there isn't too much similarities between them and his 10 things. Number 1 is where it is truly interesting. That there is a 'Man in the Sky', this man just created the existance of God basically. However it his next statement that I found to be one of the most interesting.
The Man in The Sky is responsible for everything that happens on earth. Or basically something to that effect. Fair enough. That is a fairly well Christian belief. I believe that God is responsible for everything that happens. Most importantly the Good and the Bad. A distinction his crowd (these purely factual humans are very curious) makes quickly. You watch as members of the crowd digest the fact that this Man in The Sky is responsible for the BAD things (nobody has asked yet about the good things). One by one hands go up.
Did he give my mum cancer? Did he cause that earthquake that killed thousands of people? Is he why my cat died last summer? The main character (can you tell i can't remember his name?) answers truthfully... well consistently within the limits of his created lie... YES. The crowd gets more and more restless. Until it is practically a riot. People out to TAKE DOWN the Man in The Sky. Regretting this God person. He after all caused all this BAD stuff to happen.
I think this is something that Christians have to confront in modern society. It is an area of huge debate. It is one of those token objections that non-Christians pull out to explain why Christianity is stupid, why God isn't right. People don't like the fact that a God, particularly the God (i mean if you have multiple you might as well throw in a bad one right?) could do bad things.
And Christians, just like the main character, have to say yes. Yes he causes that to happen. This is the kind of thing that stonewalls a Christian. People aren't willing to consider that something exhibits control of the good AND the bad. So as soon as it controls the bad, its bad, even people that basically figure there probably is a God don't like this concept. They do the crowd thing and REJECT REJECT REJECT. Unfortunate for the Christian.
This is the suffering debate. Beyond even the debate Christian to non. The whole concept of the suffering stuffs with the heads of Christians new and old alike. Coming to grips that God is the reason for it. Its hard. So explaining it to a non-Christian? Its pretty close to impossible. You have to accept so many other things to accept that He does that to and that it is for the grand scheme good if not for the momentary inconvenience (on that compare your life to the age of the universe I mean... there's no beating it) it is in your life.
Back to the movie the crowd make the critical next realisation. Some bright fellow works out that the main has said that the Man in The Sky controls everything, he never explicitly said bad. Maybe... He is responsible for the good things? The main with quite some relief (he really would like the crowd not to tear his yard apart in revolt against the Man in The Sky) says 'YES'. So then he cured my mum's cancer? He saved my daughter from being hit by that car? He helped that person in the diving accident to be recover fully? YES YES YES. Now there is something that these people managed to think about that others often don't.
Just as is our culture people let the minority bad ruin it for the majority good. How many times have you felt ripped off because somebody did this last time and got hurt so now you only get to watch it get done. That's probably something you see more of as a young person but any way you look at it. Humans are pessimists by trade. We want to get the most dreary version of something possible. The trick is to remember than everything is from God... The good, the bad... the inbetween...
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
One Quarter an Engineer
So I might be counting my chickens... I mean there is the possibility that I could go into my exam tomorrow and forgot EVERYTHING I ever learned... not to mention some basic mental logic... in order to fail my programming exam. It is worth 50% of the course so potentially a rock bottom fail may be rather unfortunate for me... But improbable scenarios aside. Year 1 university complete.
I call myself one quarter of an engineer but really I don't think the relationship is quite the linear. I can't think of any reason though why it would become essential to but me to work at this point. It isn't like they would suddenly enlist me in a.... major electrical disaster (as opposed to a war or something)... and require me to step up as an electrical engineer. Mind you... if you need some very basic amplification... I'm your girl :). I have operational amplifiers (known as op amps) down so well.
After thinking about it. I think university is a compounding thing. I've seen my second and third year mates. More exams, more work, HARDER work. Definitely compounding. So that makes me 1/8th an engineering... cuz it means next year i'll be 1/4 then 1/2 and THEN i'll be an engineer. Now because it is a compound thing I better not be forgetting... well apparently I have already done that. Not great considering my exam was yesterday. Ahhh well... Lets see what I can remember huh?
1. Study is a whole body experience. If you can't convince every part of you that its what you need to be doing it doesn't happen. You sit down with good intentions but your fingers creep to the mouse, your eyes lock onto facebook - or google when facebook gets dull, your body suggests the bathroom - 5 times in 15 minutes, your throat drys up and needs water, you are suddenly way more hungry than you used to be, your legs are uncomfortable you need to get up and stretch - repeatedly... and so the list goes on. So only when your whole body realises that this study is IMPORTANT is anything likely to happen.
2. Sometimes it won't compute. You've read it a thousand times. Copied out the sequence a hundred times. Written out the equations with pretty labels and every other imaginable thing you can get from your notes. You know that from question to answer it goes like THIS. And still... for some reason in your head it doesn't. In your head 2 + 2 = 4... like it should... It is like being in 1984 (the book) and Big Brother and the marvellous propaganda is saying quite explicitly 2 + 2 = 5. The propaganda says it so it must be true but your brain refuses to allow the system to work for you.
3. Rote learning is good. Whoever said science/engineering students couldn't rote learn their way through their degree? Well maybe not all of it... But certainly first year. This is the one and only solution the the problem in question 2. You don't get why it does it or understand why that particular value even needs to have a place IN the formula. You just know it does. If you right out the answers to every tute sheet you've ever been given and cross your fingers... you may even manage 100% not understand... Unlikely sure but... 1st year physics lecturers don't actually but that much effort into the exam... which leads to -
4. Exams don't change. Unless you are unfortunate enough to be in a revamped course... You know when the uni decides that the old one isn't quite right so they need to overthrow the whole course.. maybe combine it with this other one... But essentially exams don't change. Questions may alternate on a 2 year cycle or the values get adjusted but essentially... Past exam papers really are your best friend. I don't use them often but I do know they work. There have been a couple of physics exams I've survived only because exams never change and rote learning works...
5. Nobody buts in the effort they should. I dunno maybe somewhere out there there is the hard slogging uni student, I am yet to meet them. One of my friends is damn near failing and she has to see a study aid person. I've looked at that time table she was given... Nobody can study like that and remain functional... We are talking 7-10.30 6 days a week... And according to the theory that should be typical of an engineering workload... Let me tell you unless it is the 2-3 days before an exam NOBODY can do that. See point 1. if you are question why not :)...
6. Deadlines can move. Yes, yes, they shouldn't have to, nevertheless thanks to procrastination and a failure to put in the effort you need in a timely fashion sometimes they do need to. I always thought a deadline was like a brick wall or something. A year or so of uni has shown me it is much more like an elastic, you can hit it and move it a little, just be wary the elastic is liable to snap eventually. Some lecturers are more elastic than others but they all will give you an extension... generally for little more than you approaching them with a pretty please. However this is a power you should not extort because it generally just means that you procrastinate to the later date at any rate... I suggest NOT doing that.
Last, or else I'll never finish, but possibly the exact OPPOSITE of least...
7. Procrastination is evil, bad and inescapable. No matter how many good intentions you have to do your work nice and promptly and not allow any aspect of your study to fall behind you are going to. Procrastination is always more appealing than your work. And while you are procrastinating you don't care that your work isn't getting done. Unfortunately the more you procrastination the more the study/work stress hurts at the end of it. Procrastination seems harmless, seems fun... it is EVIL. I say don't procrastinate knowing full well that you, I, everybody will... Its just life really...
Uni is fun... sort of.... Learning how to learn... I used to scoff over the past year that how has my learning been improved... and suddenly i realise that it has.. studying for exams is getting more effective... So much happens without you realising it... Nothing changes until everything changes... such is life.
I call myself one quarter of an engineer but really I don't think the relationship is quite the linear. I can't think of any reason though why it would become essential to but me to work at this point. It isn't like they would suddenly enlist me in a.... major electrical disaster (as opposed to a war or something)... and require me to step up as an electrical engineer. Mind you... if you need some very basic amplification... I'm your girl :). I have operational amplifiers (known as op amps) down so well.
After thinking about it. I think university is a compounding thing. I've seen my second and third year mates. More exams, more work, HARDER work. Definitely compounding. So that makes me 1/8th an engineering... cuz it means next year i'll be 1/4 then 1/2 and THEN i'll be an engineer. Now because it is a compound thing I better not be forgetting... well apparently I have already done that. Not great considering my exam was yesterday. Ahhh well... Lets see what I can remember huh?
1. Study is a whole body experience. If you can't convince every part of you that its what you need to be doing it doesn't happen. You sit down with good intentions but your fingers creep to the mouse, your eyes lock onto facebook - or google when facebook gets dull, your body suggests the bathroom - 5 times in 15 minutes, your throat drys up and needs water, you are suddenly way more hungry than you used to be, your legs are uncomfortable you need to get up and stretch - repeatedly... and so the list goes on. So only when your whole body realises that this study is IMPORTANT is anything likely to happen.
2. Sometimes it won't compute. You've read it a thousand times. Copied out the sequence a hundred times. Written out the equations with pretty labels and every other imaginable thing you can get from your notes. You know that from question to answer it goes like THIS. And still... for some reason in your head it doesn't. In your head 2 + 2 = 4... like it should... It is like being in 1984 (the book) and Big Brother and the marvellous propaganda is saying quite explicitly 2 + 2 = 5. The propaganda says it so it must be true but your brain refuses to allow the system to work for you.
3. Rote learning is good. Whoever said science/engineering students couldn't rote learn their way through their degree? Well maybe not all of it... But certainly first year. This is the one and only solution the the problem in question 2. You don't get why it does it or understand why that particular value even needs to have a place IN the formula. You just know it does. If you right out the answers to every tute sheet you've ever been given and cross your fingers... you may even manage 100% not understand... Unlikely sure but... 1st year physics lecturers don't actually but that much effort into the exam... which leads to -
4. Exams don't change. Unless you are unfortunate enough to be in a revamped course... You know when the uni decides that the old one isn't quite right so they need to overthrow the whole course.. maybe combine it with this other one... But essentially exams don't change. Questions may alternate on a 2 year cycle or the values get adjusted but essentially... Past exam papers really are your best friend. I don't use them often but I do know they work. There have been a couple of physics exams I've survived only because exams never change and rote learning works...
5. Nobody buts in the effort they should. I dunno maybe somewhere out there there is the hard slogging uni student, I am yet to meet them. One of my friends is damn near failing and she has to see a study aid person. I've looked at that time table she was given... Nobody can study like that and remain functional... We are talking 7-10.30 6 days a week... And according to the theory that should be typical of an engineering workload... Let me tell you unless it is the 2-3 days before an exam NOBODY can do that. See point 1. if you are question why not :)...
6. Deadlines can move. Yes, yes, they shouldn't have to, nevertheless thanks to procrastination and a failure to put in the effort you need in a timely fashion sometimes they do need to. I always thought a deadline was like a brick wall or something. A year or so of uni has shown me it is much more like an elastic, you can hit it and move it a little, just be wary the elastic is liable to snap eventually. Some lecturers are more elastic than others but they all will give you an extension... generally for little more than you approaching them with a pretty please. However this is a power you should not extort because it generally just means that you procrastinate to the later date at any rate... I suggest NOT doing that.
Last, or else I'll never finish, but possibly the exact OPPOSITE of least...
7. Procrastination is evil, bad and inescapable. No matter how many good intentions you have to do your work nice and promptly and not allow any aspect of your study to fall behind you are going to. Procrastination is always more appealing than your work. And while you are procrastinating you don't care that your work isn't getting done. Unfortunately the more you procrastination the more the study/work stress hurts at the end of it. Procrastination seems harmless, seems fun... it is EVIL. I say don't procrastinate knowing full well that you, I, everybody will... Its just life really...
Uni is fun... sort of.... Learning how to learn... I used to scoff over the past year that how has my learning been improved... and suddenly i realise that it has.. studying for exams is getting more effective... So much happens without you realising it... Nothing changes until everything changes... such is life.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Communal Living: The Silent Domestic
This is definitely one for anybody who has ever lived in a communal environment. In fact anybody who has had to live with anybody besides themselves. The silent domestic comes in many forms, depending on the issue, depending on the people. They happen between couples, but perhaps they shouldn't?, they happen between friends and family and they happen between the relative strangers who happen to share any kind of space with one another.
The silent domestic is the fight you have through the little actions. It is the label staking claim on the milk in the fridge even when you live with only one or two other people. It is the refolding of the hand towel so it suits you or the rearranging on the living room so YOUR chair can actually see the tv for once.
These fights are everywhere. However it is perhaps when attempting to live communally, be it colleges or share houses, that they are at their worst. At home with family before you move on and move out these kinds of things aren't necessary. Either everybody does it the same way, after all that is where most habits come from. Or you talk/shout about it until you come to solution. People don't need to be territorial at home.
I mention that couples probably do it and shouldn't. Well really if you are getting serious enough to be living together (and I have good old-fashioned morals so read married) you need to be communicating. There are sure to be any number of niggle-y things, especially initially, but you should know each well enough before even getting to that position to know how to handle it with the other person. To me the best silent domestic in couples is the old faithful... 'which way should the toilet seat be left?'...
Here the experiences I'm speaking about are, if you haven't picked up on it, the college experiences. Well not specifically university, in fact some of my most memorable silent domestics come from my job before uni, forced to share a bunk bed type accommodation while on the job for several days at a time. Noteable me and my... roommate... didn't get along all that well... particularly by the end of it.
This is the situation I talk about. When you are living with people, not of your own choosing but because you just have to. Maybe its you've joined a share house with a friend and realised that their other friends... aren't really your sort of people. That kind of thing. The little things that they do that piss you off - in some cases into a silent rage - and yet all you do is intentionally do it back the other way, your way.
I live in a hall way type arrangement with 3 other girls. We each have a bedroom of our own but share a bathroom, toilet and laundry. Some of the most significant silent fights we've had here involve the common areas. Though I'm not going to deny one of the most popular 'silent' domestics about musical taste... Nobody really talks to anybody else but you all put your music on loud enough to drown out the 'dreadful' strains of the other persons.
We have some quirky silent domestics amongst ourselves here in the hallway. In charge of our own cleaning they include how we go about cleaning the bathroom or the toilet or even when we do the cleaning. I like to get up and get ready before I give the bathroom sink a wipe down (as is my job at the moment), one of the others prefers that to be done first. So she does it... Cool you may think, what is the problem with that? The body language if you ever saw her doing it would explain that. I have the disadvantage of not only living with these 3 girls but working with them too... If we aren't on good ground... work becomes hellish.
But my favourite silent domestic, the one that is my basis for all silent domestics, is the one we have about the washing detergent. Now we don't have any structured plan about who has to buy the washing detergent. We all know that we are good about somebody getting some in good time so we never run out. All good... never have we run out of washing detergent or fabric softener. In fact, when we start to run out we generally end up with MORE than we could ever need.
That is where the domestic comes in. This particular fight is 3 against 1. How is this a fight at all? Well the 3 like one kind of detergent and the 1 likes a completely different one. You may think the 1 would just concede, I mean after all it is just detergent, or not. It is the single longest running silent domestic in our hallway. Whose type of detergent is there first at resup time.
I am one of the 3. We occasionally all manage to buy together, and end up with a ridiculous amount of our choice. Unfortunately the 1 has managed to trump us all this time around... with 5kg of her choice! That is a long time in clothes washing.
It wasn't really until this moment that I even noticed that it WAS a fight. That it was a we HATE your detergent and I HATE yours all out brawl using only our wallets and our bought preferences. The ultimate in what I'm calling silent domestics. No words are ever spoken, nobody ever actively complains - it is only detergent - but each of us wants it to be OUR choice that we are using...
Silent domestics will always be there... Frustrating as hell to live with but funny as hell to think about as a discerning adult apart from it all...
The silent domestic is the fight you have through the little actions. It is the label staking claim on the milk in the fridge even when you live with only one or two other people. It is the refolding of the hand towel so it suits you or the rearranging on the living room so YOUR chair can actually see the tv for once.
These fights are everywhere. However it is perhaps when attempting to live communally, be it colleges or share houses, that they are at their worst. At home with family before you move on and move out these kinds of things aren't necessary. Either everybody does it the same way, after all that is where most habits come from. Or you talk/shout about it until you come to solution. People don't need to be territorial at home.
I mention that couples probably do it and shouldn't. Well really if you are getting serious enough to be living together (and I have good old-fashioned morals so read married) you need to be communicating. There are sure to be any number of niggle-y things, especially initially, but you should know each well enough before even getting to that position to know how to handle it with the other person. To me the best silent domestic in couples is the old faithful... 'which way should the toilet seat be left?'...
Here the experiences I'm speaking about are, if you haven't picked up on it, the college experiences. Well not specifically university, in fact some of my most memorable silent domestics come from my job before uni, forced to share a bunk bed type accommodation while on the job for several days at a time. Noteable me and my... roommate... didn't get along all that well... particularly by the end of it.
This is the situation I talk about. When you are living with people, not of your own choosing but because you just have to. Maybe its you've joined a share house with a friend and realised that their other friends... aren't really your sort of people. That kind of thing. The little things that they do that piss you off - in some cases into a silent rage - and yet all you do is intentionally do it back the other way, your way.
I live in a hall way type arrangement with 3 other girls. We each have a bedroom of our own but share a bathroom, toilet and laundry. Some of the most significant silent fights we've had here involve the common areas. Though I'm not going to deny one of the most popular 'silent' domestics about musical taste... Nobody really talks to anybody else but you all put your music on loud enough to drown out the 'dreadful' strains of the other persons.
We have some quirky silent domestics amongst ourselves here in the hallway. In charge of our own cleaning they include how we go about cleaning the bathroom or the toilet or even when we do the cleaning. I like to get up and get ready before I give the bathroom sink a wipe down (as is my job at the moment), one of the others prefers that to be done first. So she does it... Cool you may think, what is the problem with that? The body language if you ever saw her doing it would explain that. I have the disadvantage of not only living with these 3 girls but working with them too... If we aren't on good ground... work becomes hellish.
But my favourite silent domestic, the one that is my basis for all silent domestics, is the one we have about the washing detergent. Now we don't have any structured plan about who has to buy the washing detergent. We all know that we are good about somebody getting some in good time so we never run out. All good... never have we run out of washing detergent or fabric softener. In fact, when we start to run out we generally end up with MORE than we could ever need.
That is where the domestic comes in. This particular fight is 3 against 1. How is this a fight at all? Well the 3 like one kind of detergent and the 1 likes a completely different one. You may think the 1 would just concede, I mean after all it is just detergent, or not. It is the single longest running silent domestic in our hallway. Whose type of detergent is there first at resup time.
I am one of the 3. We occasionally all manage to buy together, and end up with a ridiculous amount of our choice. Unfortunately the 1 has managed to trump us all this time around... with 5kg of her choice! That is a long time in clothes washing.
It wasn't really until this moment that I even noticed that it WAS a fight. That it was a we HATE your detergent and I HATE yours all out brawl using only our wallets and our bought preferences. The ultimate in what I'm calling silent domestics. No words are ever spoken, nobody ever actively complains - it is only detergent - but each of us wants it to be OUR choice that we are using...
Silent domestics will always be there... Frustrating as hell to live with but funny as hell to think about as a discerning adult apart from it all...
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Convincing Myself I'm Not Depressed
As I've mentioned I'm not particularly skilled with members of the opposite sex. I've also mentioned that I have a huge crush on one of the other guys in my year. I think I even mentioned the fact that even if I remain incompetent for the rest of the year, there's always next year etc. and slowly but surely I'm getting better with time. Pathetic yes but all well and good. I can go plodding along and hopefully make some progress...
Or not. Saw him yesterday, he's one of the 3 other members of my bible study group, how I have love going to bible study for the 5 minutes we get to talk before the others get in and get started. but dammit, this week... he had news... and for me it was not good news. He's leaving, not at some indiscriminate time post graduation, not even the end of the year. He's leaving, next week!!!
How do you get AROUND that? Maybe if I was good at the relationships stuff... but I'm not... I keep my feelings well and truly close to the chest. But goodness I had to work to not break down throughout the rest of the study. Yes, we literally went straight into the bible study like nothing was wrong. Admittedly he seemed a little be more sullen than usual, anxious to be leaving I suppose. Leaving this place would be like getting out of a prison. Excited about finally being free, nervous about what the real world will look like outside its protective walls. I'm as institutionalised as can be... so i never really expected any of my close friends to not be... that in itself is quite a shock...
I'm just not quite sure what to do now. By nature I crush long and hard... I'll probably make a good wife oneday if my relationship skills ever improve. My high school crush, the last super one I had, only really ended cause he stopped talking to me, and then we finished school. But this one... doesn't have the animosity in it. I don't want to have to be convincing myself not to think about him, it is painful and awkward... and my mind says completely pointless. But the saner part of my mind also says he'll be going all too soon, and there are bound to be girls from where he's from, and I'm too hopeless for anything... I just don't know... Now I feel guilty when I watch for him, feeling like I'm feeding a part of me I don't have a right to be. Such is my life right now...
Monday, October 12, 2009
About a Boy
Ok... Most of the time... I'm the most content person about about my not having any relationship experienced. I'm its unusual but not unheard of to be 18 and never had a boyfriend. In fact except for one long term and rather childish crush on one of my best friends I can definitely be termed a late bloomer. I didn't understand how girls thought of actors in movies as hot or not... Not until about grade 11...
Which isn't to say I don't get it now :) it all makes sense to me... Though from a Christian background as well as a strong faith of my own I never quite the same sex lure as many of my friends... More than happy to wait... Plus its easy to have that attitude when all the guys at school you find to be repulsively immature. To this day I don't understand the teenage ability to date half their class if they feel like it. A) you know them way too well and B) because you know them you know how immature and shallow the majority of them are. I was more than happy to keep to my one or two hopeless crushes.
Now though... I'm starting to wish I hadn't... I have zero relationship experience. ZERO. The only time a guy has every asked me to anything.. was a date to the formal - a joke... When we were in grade 10 (yes 2 years from any formal)... Who knows how that might have panned out... He was the type of guy who probably would have gone through with it... more for a laugh than anything. But he left halfway through year 12 and missed it anyways.
The only other proposition i've had? also him... The day he left school. Asked me for a kiss before he went. Unfortunately in the middle of a Chemistry class test. I didn't take him up on his offer. Tempted - a little, sceptical of his motives - a little, embarrassed for wanting to - a lot.
So that covers in 2 paragraphs all the invitations I've ever had... Now is where I point out my position at school. I was the smart girl. I was well known throughout, but simply for being smart, I'm certainly not what you would call a looker and a number of kgs overweight for the majority of my life. It doesn't bother me else I'd work harder to change it but was without a doubt an effect on that side of my life. I'm not after some stereotypical hot guy with no brain anyways so meh...
Now to the parts that detrimentally effect my personal confidence around boys. I mentioned a crush on a best friend? Four years, in fact a large part of the reason we (my best friend and I) initiated the friendship can be attributed to that (on my side at any rate), I had that crush and four years we were friends with him without too much of a hassle. He dated another of my friends for 6 months... and if that didn't have my nose a little out of joint to boot. But I never would have said.
That is the one thing I do well. Crushing on a guy in silence. That is basically what I'm doing at the moment, the reason for this rambling, and I HATE it... I'm more than over it. I got over it at high school too... and told him. In his way he didn't really make much of a response. In fact he didn't give a response at all. He never truly spoke to me again. Six weeks, or thereabouts, before the end of year 12 I lost one of my best friends - and of course the boy I'd been crushing on since I could remember... It hurt to say the least.
When I say we initiated the friendship it wasn't an easy friendship. He was enough of a loner that we had to disrupt him in the library to get anything out of him. Over the years it just became our thing. We were still in the library but he no longer (unless we did something 'terrible' and pissed him off which was only once... maybe twice lol (we got ourselves and him kicked out, for a week!)) attempted to read rather than talk to us.
But anyway... dredging all that stuff makes me feel better but only cuz I'm distracted and it doesn't hold the same levels of emotion as the predicament I'm in at the moment. I like a boy. I like a boy SOO bad. More than I have done any of the other minor crushes I've had over the last year... and more than I can ever remember liking that guy back in school. From this I've discerned that emotional growth hurts like a bitch. I can't work as effectively as I normally would - though I would say that in part that is end of year blues - which I'll save for another blog sometime :)...
So I've developed the stalker qualities... You know, if he is in your general area and you don't need to be looking at anything else you watch him. I've done the internet search even... It was funny cuz he actually did come up, for some award he won back in high school... was quite entertaining for me. I've done the depression moment cuz he doesn't have facebook. Nothing more than that but it makes me feel rather stalker-ish which depresses me further...
I just don't know where to go from here. There are only a few weeks of the year remaining when I'll have him so close... and after that, not until February when classes resume. Once of the blessings of a tiny uni campus if you can be sure you'll always see people again, whilst your here that is...
The other thing is the stalker stage can't last forever. As it is, he has started to pick up on the fact that I watch him if I see him on accident. Just tonight I noticed a figure (identifying by gate(step) more than anything) walk under our tv room (we have a outdoor walkway underneath) so I switched sides of the common room to, well honestly more to check if it was him than to specifically watch him :), and walking with a mate he turned a little back to my block window and waved at me...
and THAT is what has me freaked out... What do I do? Is that even a good sign? We are connected through the university christian group, he is even in my bible study... Is it just as a friend... But no I don't think that really explains it... WHY did he look back at the block enough to spot me at all? And even if he did... Even if it is EXACTLY what I hope it is... What do I DO?!? And that... is all I have... today there is no solution... and I doubt sleep will grant me the answer... I'm destined to flounder is curious, fear, excitement and all that other good stuff...
Which isn't to say I don't get it now :) it all makes sense to me... Though from a Christian background as well as a strong faith of my own I never quite the same sex lure as many of my friends... More than happy to wait... Plus its easy to have that attitude when all the guys at school you find to be repulsively immature. To this day I don't understand the teenage ability to date half their class if they feel like it. A) you know them way too well and B) because you know them you know how immature and shallow the majority of them are. I was more than happy to keep to my one or two hopeless crushes.
Now though... I'm starting to wish I hadn't... I have zero relationship experience. ZERO. The only time a guy has every asked me to anything.. was a date to the formal - a joke... When we were in grade 10 (yes 2 years from any formal)... Who knows how that might have panned out... He was the type of guy who probably would have gone through with it... more for a laugh than anything. But he left halfway through year 12 and missed it anyways.
The only other proposition i've had? also him... The day he left school. Asked me for a kiss before he went. Unfortunately in the middle of a Chemistry class test. I didn't take him up on his offer. Tempted - a little, sceptical of his motives - a little, embarrassed for wanting to - a lot.
So that covers in 2 paragraphs all the invitations I've ever had... Now is where I point out my position at school. I was the smart girl. I was well known throughout, but simply for being smart, I'm certainly not what you would call a looker and a number of kgs overweight for the majority of my life. It doesn't bother me else I'd work harder to change it but was without a doubt an effect on that side of my life. I'm not after some stereotypical hot guy with no brain anyways so meh...
Now to the parts that detrimentally effect my personal confidence around boys. I mentioned a crush on a best friend? Four years, in fact a large part of the reason we (my best friend and I) initiated the friendship can be attributed to that (on my side at any rate), I had that crush and four years we were friends with him without too much of a hassle. He dated another of my friends for 6 months... and if that didn't have my nose a little out of joint to boot. But I never would have said.
That is the one thing I do well. Crushing on a guy in silence. That is basically what I'm doing at the moment, the reason for this rambling, and I HATE it... I'm more than over it. I got over it at high school too... and told him. In his way he didn't really make much of a response. In fact he didn't give a response at all. He never truly spoke to me again. Six weeks, or thereabouts, before the end of year 12 I lost one of my best friends - and of course the boy I'd been crushing on since I could remember... It hurt to say the least.
When I say we initiated the friendship it wasn't an easy friendship. He was enough of a loner that we had to disrupt him in the library to get anything out of him. Over the years it just became our thing. We were still in the library but he no longer (unless we did something 'terrible' and pissed him off which was only once... maybe twice lol (we got ourselves and him kicked out, for a week!)) attempted to read rather than talk to us.
But anyway... dredging all that stuff makes me feel better but only cuz I'm distracted and it doesn't hold the same levels of emotion as the predicament I'm in at the moment. I like a boy. I like a boy SOO bad. More than I have done any of the other minor crushes I've had over the last year... and more than I can ever remember liking that guy back in school. From this I've discerned that emotional growth hurts like a bitch. I can't work as effectively as I normally would - though I would say that in part that is end of year blues - which I'll save for another blog sometime :)...
So I've developed the stalker qualities... You know, if he is in your general area and you don't need to be looking at anything else you watch him. I've done the internet search even... It was funny cuz he actually did come up, for some award he won back in high school... was quite entertaining for me. I've done the depression moment cuz he doesn't have facebook. Nothing more than that but it makes me feel rather stalker-ish which depresses me further...
I just don't know where to go from here. There are only a few weeks of the year remaining when I'll have him so close... and after that, not until February when classes resume. Once of the blessings of a tiny uni campus if you can be sure you'll always see people again, whilst your here that is...
The other thing is the stalker stage can't last forever. As it is, he has started to pick up on the fact that I watch him if I see him on accident. Just tonight I noticed a figure (identifying by gate(step) more than anything) walk under our tv room (we have a outdoor walkway underneath) so I switched sides of the common room to, well honestly more to check if it was him than to specifically watch him :), and walking with a mate he turned a little back to my block window and waved at me...
and THAT is what has me freaked out... What do I do? Is that even a good sign? We are connected through the university christian group, he is even in my bible study... Is it just as a friend... But no I don't think that really explains it... WHY did he look back at the block enough to spot me at all? And even if he did... Even if it is EXACTLY what I hope it is... What do I DO?!? And that... is all I have... today there is no solution... and I doubt sleep will grant me the answer... I'm destined to flounder is curious, fear, excitement and all that other good stuff...
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Early Mornings
I'm sure i've mentioned it before... and even if I haven't... It is a part of my work that I get up a little before 6 every week day... Fairly typical for a lot of day workers I'm sure. And on weekends I sleep in... only until about 8.30 or so but a sleep in nevertheless. Unfortunately some people don't seem to understand the concept of silent hours.
Yeah I'm sure that many people but it down to the disadvantages of communal living. But there is said to be a couple things which really should be though of. In our building we have to have our living areas, particularly the communal ones, checked for their cleanliness standard on a fairly frequent basis. So for me noise is one of the big ones. As it is we have the disadvantage of being the building closest to the dining hall/bar and all of the others have to wander past to the go to meals. The voices carry to my second story window like the people were sitting on my window ledge.
That is a little irritating... but with training you can ignore it pretty well... Though nights - like last night - when one of the resident sports teams is doing the drinking/function thing it gets a little frustrating attempting sleep. But that really isn't my issue here today... My hallmate (we don't have room mates but groups of 4 share a hall with a bathroom/toilet etc...) decided it was neccessary to SLAM her door at a little before 8.00 this morning and then the bathroom door.
Now see don't get me wrong... Normally it wouldn't be that big a deal. Slamming doors is part and parcel of the communal living thing... But add to the fact that we had one of those function nights with loud people until a little past 12 keeping me up... I don't feel very appreciative... Now I wouldn't mind so much if I thought perhaps she needed to get ready for work or something... She didn't, we all work together... Getting up throughout the week is easier for all the other girls getting up too...
My neighbour is also the most moody member of our hallway. If somebody had woken HER up with their door... We would have been hearing about it and her poor disturbed sleep for a week... Which isn't so bad now that we are used to it... but it still gets a little frustrating...
So basically I've had my rant now... and feel a little better for doing so :)... I must get on with my study.. But a note to others in communal living situations... vaccumns, music, and door slamming... when you no your neighbour is asleep or is reasonably expected to be asleep (ie the silent hours) aren't cool. It isn't some old people rule that doesn't apply to uni blocks... Some people need their sleep.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Graphic Mutterings
So I've changed my mind... I'm female, I'm entitled apparently =P. I don't take photos often... and even less frequently of people or anything interesting... I have no artistic talent and no ability but every so often I take photos of stuff... My bed, the puzzle i was colouring... my uni stuff... they just sort of sit on my camera doing nothing. Might as well stick them on here I say.
A bit of a prior warning... though I'll generally post them in clumps things like my bed or my room are pretty well the costant focus of my camera... so don't be surprised if every photo i ever post is exactly the same. I am putting them on here for my own benefit... just like everything else... and i like my photos of the nothingness if nothing else.
Welcome to my bedroom... Yes I really did sleep on the floor that night... It is the only time I've ever done it... but look at the beautifully made white bed and that is why...
This here? Is my cupboard... Not nearly as fun to photograph as my immaculate (sometimes) bed... But never the less I have done...
And this is my pinboard... and that is my room in overview... I'll be sure to have some slightly more interesting photos the next time around... This is just an introduction to... well me...
A bit of a prior warning... though I'll generally post them in clumps things like my bed or my room are pretty well the costant focus of my camera... so don't be surprised if every photo i ever post is exactly the same. I am putting them on here for my own benefit... just like everything else... and i like my photos of the nothingness if nothing else.
This here? Is my cupboard... Not nearly as fun to photograph as my immaculate (sometimes) bed... But never the less I have done...
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